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A small, balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so upset I can't even see straight!"

The bartender, noticing that the little man was a bit the worse for wear, poured him a double of Southern Comfort.

The man swilled down the drink and said, "Gimme another!"

The bartender poured the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So the man began his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blond sauntered in, and actually sat beside me at the bar. I thought, Wow! This has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true.

Well, a couple of minutes later I felt this hand moving around in my lap, and the blond leaned over, licked my ear, and asked if I was interested! I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head, so she grabbed my hand, and started walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true! She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling, and someone started fumbling with the door. The blond said, 'Oh my gosh, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad! Quick, hide!' So I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he was bound to look there too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

The bartender said, "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but the guy finally got the door open and he yelled out, 'Who you been sleeping with now, bitch?' The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.' Well, the guy started tearing up the room. I heard him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I was thinking, Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there. Then I heard him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I thought, Oh crap, I'm dead meat now. But the blond by now was trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I heard the guy go into the bathroom, and I heard water running for a long time, and I figured maybe he was gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the bastard poured a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second-degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have enraged me for sure."

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy started slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looked at the guy's hands and said, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really ticked me off."

The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, what did finally tick you off?"

"Well, I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about six inches off the ground!"

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TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was runnin

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,

Wouldyou prefer me on my back or kneeling?

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.