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The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.

He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

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Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist.

"Please fill this immediately," she said. "I've got people waiting in my car!"

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Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park.

Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"

Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."

Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President."

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One afternoon, little Johnny came running into the house and asked,

"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not. Only grown women can be mommies."

Little Johnny thought for a moment, said "Okay, thanks mom", then ran back outside. His mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

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Early one morning a blonde young thing calls her boyfriend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start putting it together."

Her boyfriend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "It's from the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

So, the boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place to give her a hand.

The boyfriend shows up and his girlfriend lets him in. She walks him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. The boyfriend studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says:

"First of all, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble this puzzle to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Secondly, why don't you just sit down, have a cup of coffee and put all the "Frosty Flakes" back in the box."

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A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off at work and the children were in school. After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting to hear it speak, but unfortunately they were quite expensive.

One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully colored parrot and asked the owner of the store for the price of the bird. The owner said he let it go for $50. Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

Before accepting her money, the owner said, "I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff." The woman was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she decided to buy it anyway.

When she got home she placed the bird's cage in her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird studied his new surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a little taken at the implication of what she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn't really all that bad.

When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird Looked them over and said,"New house, new madam, new whores!" After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined their mother in laughter.

Shortly after 5PM the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, same old faces. Hi Sam!"

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother."

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Abe's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.

"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"

"Oy Vey!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20.00!"

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THOUGHT OF THE DAY :

MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX

BECAUSE THEY ARE PLUGGED INTO A GENIUS

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THE MISDIRECTED VACATION E-MAIL

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

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Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis.

"I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........

"I'll be Bach."

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Do you know the reason why Singapore government restricts the citizens not to chew gum?

Here is the story!!!

One day a singaporian tourist went to Thailand. The Tourist ordered a lobster for his dinner. After he finished, he asked the waiter:

Tourist : Waiter, what can you do with this lobster skin?

Waiter : We cannot do anything with it. we just throw away.

Tourist : Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and produce some prawn cracker.

Then the tourist ordered an orange. After he finished, he asked the waiter.

Tourist : What can you do with the orange skin?

Waiter : We cannot do anything. We just throw away.

Tourist : Oh, no. In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce some orange jam.

Then the tourist ordered some chewing gum. After he finished, he put on the plate and asked the waiter.

Tourist : What can you do with the chewing gum?

Waiter : Oh, no. We just throw it away.

Tourist : In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce Condom and send it to Thailand.

The Tourist asked for the bill and the Waiter came with the bill and asked the tourist.

Waiter : What can you do with the condom when you finish using it?

Tourist : We cannot do anything. We throw it away.

Waiter : In Thailand when we finish using the condom, we send it to the factory to produce chewing gum and send it back to Singapore !!!